February - 2016

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The Words People Say

You don’t have to be funny to write funny, you just need to listen. In the queue at the supermarket, sitting on the bus, in the dentist’s waiting room; people all around you are coming out with wonderful comedy and they don’t even realise. Hear it, remember it, write it in your notebook and then use it. I’ve decided to turn my notebook into a blog.

WHEN DID WE GET SO FORMAL?

A smart, thirty-something City man sat down next to me on the rush-hour, Piccadilly line tube. For the first part of the journey he read the Financial Times. He then took out his phone and began to scroll through his e-mails. I watched him, me being perfectly positioned to see the large screen. He methodically replied to several work-related messages. He then typed this in reply to another e-mail: Hi Mark Thank you for your email. My name is Joseph Sands. I live in west Londo

I’VE GIVEN UP SUGAR FOR LENT BUT IT’S DIFFICULT. IT’S IN EVERYTHING. I MEAN, IT’S IN CAKES AND ALL S

The two women sitting next to me in the café were discussing their Lent sacrifices as they perused the menu. It seemed that one was having a much harder time than the other. She lamented that sugar was popping up everywhere, not just in the predictable cakes and pastries but also in shop-bought soup, natural yoghurt and jars of savoury sauces. She said that she was having to check everything she bought and just one week in she was thinking of giving up. The other woman looked

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET A GIRLFRIEND THIS WEEK, MATE.

The twenty-something standing next to love’s own guru looked as confused as I was having heard this advice. It was home-time commuter hour on the tube; I couldn’t help but tune in. -No, one week before Valentine’s Day is the worst time to get a new girlfriend. I did it once, cost me a fortune and she’d dumped me by March. You want to wait, mate. Take it from me. As far as 14th February is concerned, is there ever a perfect time to be in a romantic liaison? For those in a lon