June - 2016

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The Words People Say

You don’t have to be funny to write funny, you just need to listen. In the queue at the supermarket, sitting on the bus, in the dentist’s waiting room; people all around you are coming out with wonderful comedy and they don’t even realise. Hear it, remember it, write it in your notebook and then use it. I’ve decided to turn my notebook into a blog.

WHAT THE CLEANER SAID

When my friend’s cleaner, a woman not averse to sharing her marital woes before starting a bit of dusting, walked in the other day, her opening line was: “We nearly had a thawing of the marital ice this morning.” My friend smiled, wary of what was about to be shared. The cleaner continued. “My hubby said he nearly came in for a cuddle, but when he put his head round the door and saw Alfie he thought better of it. Wasn’t about to fight over me, he said.” “Alfie?” my friend ask

ONCE WE SAW THE HOBBIES, THE CHOICE WAS OBVIOUS.

My friend, a recruitment consultant, told the story of a company that she’d been working with recently. The London-based corporate client had interviewed two people for their vacancy and said that they were both perfect for the role. Unable to choose between the two, the client decided to look at the hobbies on the CVs to help with the decision. “Once we saw the hobbies, the choice was obvious,” they said. “We’ve chosen the woman who listed washing elephants as one of her ho

CAN’T YOU F***ING WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING?

The man, wearing a coat way too heavy for the warm day and walking a dog way too big for the path, walked by the canal. The woman, wearing a sleeveless floral dress and floppy straw hat, cycled up behind him on a basket-festooned bicycle. As she approached she rang her bell. The ringing spooked the dog; it barked and jumped in front of the bike yanking the man with it. The woman managed to swerve, avoiding a collision, but the man and dog fell into the nettles. The man, pride

HOW TALL?

The two women working behind the counter of the quiet tearoom didn’t seem to know each other particularly well. One commented to the other that she was tall. “Yes,” said the tall woman, with a note of smugness. “I’m five foot eleven although I’ve lost 2 inches.” “Oh. So you were over six foot, before?” said the shorter woman. “No. I’m five foot eleven.” The tall woman pulled herself up to her full height. “And then two inches off that.” “So you’re five foot nine?” “Yes, somet