November - 2016

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The Words People Say

You don’t have to be funny to write funny, you just need to listen. In the queue at the supermarket, sitting on the bus, in the dentist’s waiting room; people all around you are coming out with wonderful comedy and they don’t even realise. Hear it, remember it, write it in your notebook and then use it. I’ve decided to turn my notebook into a blog.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE?

A teenage boy, and what appeared to be his grandmother, were sitting in a café, both reading the menu. “What are you having?” the woman asked, nudging the boy’s arm. “Dunno,” he replied, moving his arm away from her reach. “What do you think I should have?” she asked. “I’m a bit limited. I’ve forgotten to put my bottom teeth in.” The boy dropped his head, moved his chair a little further away and muttered: “Soup?” “Mmmm,” she said. “Do you think I could risk a macaroni cheese

I DON’T THINK THAT CONCEPT EXISTS. YET!

The couple stood admiring the shop window. "That's nice that they've filled it with poppies," said the man. "Bet they'll have a good chance of winning the Best Dressed Window competition." "Armistice Day Best Dressed Window competition?!" said the woman in disbelief. "I don’t think that concept exists. Yet!" "Well there's generally a window competition around this time of year, so it must be for Armistice Day," shrugged the man. "You're thinking of Christmas," tutted the woma

AREN’T YOU AFRAID THAT THEY MIGHT RUB OFF?

Two old but very elegant ladies, probably in their eighties, were on the train from Leeds chatting about hair and make-up. “I’m thinking of getting my eyebrows tattooed on”, said one, lightly skimming her finger along the perfect line of her brow. “I’m fed up of pencilling them on.” “Aren’t you afraid that they might rub off?” asked the other, whose own eyebrows were dark, perfectly shaped and clearly needed no pencilling. The first woman shook her head: “Tattoos don’t rub of